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I have never been a big fan of churches. Despite the occasional architectural beauty and some nice music, they have always bored the sh*t out of me. Nice to know that they can be a source of mirth at times.

Some churches are more fun than others.
 Believe it or not, these actually appeared in various church bulletins:       

 1.  This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and
     north ends of the church.  Children will be baptised at both
     ends.                                                                     

 2.  Tuesday at 4PM there will be an ice cream social.  All
     ladies giving milk, come early.                                           

 3.  Wednesday the ladies liturgy society will meet.  Mr.
     Johnson will sing, "Put Me In My Little Bed," accompanied by
     the pastor.                                                               

 4.  Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the little
     mothers club.  All ladies wishing to be little mothers
     please meet with the pastor in his study.                                 

 5.  This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to
     come forward and lay an egg at the alter.                                 

 6.  The service will close with "Little Drops Of Water".
     One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the
     congregation will join in.                                                

 7.  On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray
     the expenses of the new carpet.  All those wishing to do
     something on the new carpet, come forward and get a piece of
     paper.                                                                    

 8.  The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every
     kind and they may be seen in the church basement on Friday
     afternoon.                                                                

 9.  A bean supper will be held on Saturday evening in the
     church basement.  Music will follow.                                      

 10.  The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce
      the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs.
      Julius Belzer.                                                           

 11.  Tonights sermon:  What is hell?  Come early and listen
      to our choir practice.                                                   

 12.  For those of you who have children and don't know it,
      we have a nursery downstairs.                                            

 13.  Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church
      and community.                                                           

 14.  Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.                         

 15.  Don't let worry kill you off -- let the church help.                     

Think I will stick to the Flying Spaghetti Monster though.

Source: http://www.danielsen.com/jokes/ChurchBulletins.txt

Some would say that living in Asia means dealing with endless red tape and I would have to agree. Luckily scientists have discovered the root cause – the new element Administratium.

ISU RESEARCHERS DISCOVER NEW ELEMENT

AMES, IA--The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by
materials researchers at IPRT/ISU. The new element, tentatively named
Administratium, has no protons or electrons, and thus has an atomic weight
of 0. However, it does have one neuron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice
neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of
312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that
involves the continuous exchange of particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is totally inert. However, it can
be detected chemically, since it impedes every reaction it comes into
contact with. According to its discovers, a tiny amount of Administratium
caused on reaction to take over four days to complete; the normal reaction
time is less than one second.

Administratium has a normal half life of approximately three years, at
which time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a
reorganization in which neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice
neutrons exchange places. Studies have shown that the atomic mass usually
increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs
naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points,
such as governmental agencies, large corporations, and universities. It is
always found in the newest, best appointed and best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level
of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it
is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how
Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but
results to date are not promising.

Source: http://www.danielsen.com/jokes/Administratium.txt

Dang, hate it when that happens.

 SUBJECT: Soap Saga

    Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a
    London hotel's staff and one of its guests.  The London hotel
    involved submitted this to the Sunday Times.  No name was mentioned.

       WHAT TO DO WITH ALL THOSE "FREE" SOAPS WHEN TRAVELLING

    Dear Maid,
    Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my
    bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial.  Please remove
    the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest
    and another three in the shower soap dish.  They are in my way. Thank
    you,
                                             S. Berman

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Dear Room 635,
    I am not your regular maid.  She will be back tomorrow, Thursday,
    from her day off.  I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap
    dish as you requested.  The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your
    way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should
    change your mind.  This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my
    instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily.
    I hope this is satisfactory.
                                             Kathy, Relief Maid

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid.
    Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the
    little bars of soap.  When I got back to my room this evening I found
    you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet.
    I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my
    own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on
    the shelf.  They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc.
    Please remove them.
                                             S. Berman

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Dear Mr. Berman,
    My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which
    we are instructed by the management.  I took the 6 soaps which were
    in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your
    Dial was.  I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your
    convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are
    always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and
    which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday.  Please
    let me know if I can of further assistance.
                                             Your regular maid,
                                             Dotty

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Dear Mr. Berman,
    The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you
    called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid
    service.  I have assigned a new girl to your room.  I hope you will
    accept my apologies for any past inconvenience.  If you have any
    future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal
    attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.  Thank you.
                                             Elaine Carmen
                                             Housekeeper

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Dear Miss Carmen,
    It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for
    business at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM.  That's the
    reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night.  You were already off duty.
    I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little
    bars of soap.  The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a
    new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my
    medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the
    bath-room shelf.  In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little
    bars of soap.  Why are you doing this to me?
                                             S. Berman

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Dear Mr. Berman,
    Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your
    room and remove the extra soaps.  If I can be of further assistance,
    please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.  Thank you,
                                             Elaine Carmen,
                                             Housekeeper

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Dear Mr. Kensedder,
    My bath-size Dial is missing.  Every bar of soap was taken from my
    room including my own bath-size Dial.  I came in late last night and
    had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
                                             S. Berman

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Dear Mr. Berman,
    I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem.
    I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our
    maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a
    room. The situation will be rectified immediately.  Please accept my
    apologies for the inconvenience.
                                     Martin L. Kensedder
                                             Assistant Manager

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Dear Mrs. Carmen,
    Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room?  I came in last
    night and found 54 little bars of soap.  I don't want 54 little bars
    of Camay.  I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial.  Do you realize
    I have 54 bars of soap in here.  All I want is my bath size Dial.
    Please give me back my bath-size Dial.
                                             S. Berman

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Dear Mr. Berman,
    You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed.
    Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing
    so I personally returned them.  The 24 Camays which had been taken
    and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic).  I don't
    know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets.  Obviously your maid,
    Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24
    Camays plus the 3 daily Camays.  I don't know where you got the idea
    this hotel issues bath-size Dial.  I was able to locate some
    bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.
                                             Elaine Carmen
                                             Housekeeper

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Dear Mrs. Carmen,
    Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap
    inventory.

    As of today I possess:

    - On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of
      4 and 1 stack of 2.
    - On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1
      stack of 3.
    - On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1
      stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
    - Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1
      stack of 2.
    - In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
    - On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
    - On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

    Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks
    are neatly piled and dusted.  Also, please advise her that stacks of
    more than 4 have a tendency to tip.  May I suggest that my bedroom
    window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future
    soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of
    bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to
    avoid further misunderstandings.
                                            S. Berman

Source: http://www.danielsen.com/jokes/soap.txt

Everyone knows the story of “the dog ate my homework!” and as people grow up the excuses keep on coming. At least the following would have brought a smile to the insurance workers who had to deal with the claims.

The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car
drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest
words.  These instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even
incompetent writing may be highly entertaining.

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

I thought my windows was done but I found out it was up when I put my head
through it.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The guy was all over the road.  I had to swerve a number of times before I
hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and
headed over the embankment.

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home.  As I
reached an intersection, a hedge sprange up, obscuring my vision and I did
not see the other car.

I had been driving for 40 years when I feel asleep at the wheel and had an
accident.

I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal
joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place
where no stop sign had ever appeared before.  I was unable to stop in time
to avoid the accident.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

I told the police that I was not injured but on removing my hat, I found
that I had a fractured skull.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the
road when I struck him.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run so I ran over him.

I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentlemen as he bounced off the hood of
my car.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a
big mouth.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road.  I was later found in a
ditch by some stray cows.

The telephone pole was approaching.  I was attempting to swerve out of its
way when it struck my front end.

Source: http://www.danielsen.com/jokes/carinsurance.txt