Valentine’s Day One Liners
Your Ad Here
What do farmers give their wives on Valentine’s Day?
Hog and kisses!

What would you get it you crossed Odie with the God of love?
A stupid cupid!

Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy?
It was Valenswine’s Day!

Do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day?
Sure, they’re very scent-imental!

What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?
“I’m sweet on you!”

What did the paper clip say to the magnet?
“I find you very attractive.”

What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine’s Day?
A hug and a quiche!

What did one pickle say to the other?
“You mean a great dill to me.”

What did the elephant say to his girlfriend?
“I love you a ton!”

What did the bat say to his girlfriend?
“You’re fun to hang around with.”

Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine?
He fell in love with a pincushion!

What did the pencil say to the paper?
“I dot my i’s on you!”

Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend?
She didn’t suit his taste!

Source: http://www.jokesaboutvalentinesday.com/valentines_day_joke_one.html

Osama's Valentine

Little Derek comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

David's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," David says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden," his father asks in shock.

"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride.

"David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines can shoot him."

Aw, how sweet!

Source: http://www.jokesaboutvalentinesday.com/valentines_day_joke_two.html

Signs in the USA (mostly)

In front of a New Hampshire restaurant
"Now serving live lobsters"

On the menu of a restaurant
"Blackened bluefish"

In a Maine restaurant
"Open seven days a week and weekends."

In a New Jersey restaurant
"Open seven days a week and weekends."

On the walls of a Baltimore estate
"Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
   -- Sisters of Mercy"

On a long established New Mexico dry cleaning store
"Thirty-eight years on the same spot."

In a New York drugstore
"We dispense with accuracy."

In a New York medical building
"Mental Health Prevention Center"

On a New York convalescent home
"For the sick and tired of the Episcopal church"

In a funeral parlor
"Ask about our layaway plan."

In a clothing store
"Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

Outside a country shop
"We buy junk and sell antiques."

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store
"15 men's wool suits - $100 - They won't last an hour!"

In a Massachusetts parking area reserved for birdwatchers
"Parking for birds only."

In the vestry of a New England church
"Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is
extinguished"

In a laundry room
"Do not put wet clothes in dryers, as this can cause irreparable damage."

A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O'Hare Field in Chicago
"Do not activate with wet hands."

In a New Hampshire jewelry store
"Ears pierced while you wait."

In a New York restaurant
"Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager."

A sign in an Asian seafood store in Madison, Wisconsin
"Crap - .79/lb."

In a Florida maternity ward
"No children allowed."

In the offices of a loan company
"Ask about our plans for owning your home."

At a number of US military bases
"Restricted to unauthorized personnel."

On a display of 'You are my one and only' valentine cards
"Now available in multi-packs"

In the window of an Oregon general store
"Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"

In a Pennsylvania cemetary
"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own
graves."

On the grounds of a private school
"No trespassing without permission."

In a library
"Blotter paper will no longer be available until the public stops
taking it away."

On a Tennessee highway
"Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable."

In front of a New Hampshire car wash
"If you can't read this, it's time you wash your car."

On a poster on a telephone pole in Oregon
"Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help."

A sign on top of a San Fransico drug store located across the street from
the Transbay bus terminal
"Terminal Drugs"

From the safety information card in America West Airline seat pocket
"If you are sitting in an exit row and can not read this card, please tell
a crew member."

On a delicatessen wall
"Our best is none too good"

On a roller caoster
"Watch your head"

On a Maine shop
"Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and
workmanship."

In downtown Boston
"Callahan Tunnel / No end."

A sign on a front yard in York, Maine
"Inexpensive, Quality Daycare - Openings Day and Night."

Source: http://www.danielsen.com/jokes/ussigns.txt

Some churches are more fun than others.
 Believe it or not, these actually appeared in various church bulletins:       

 1.  This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and
     north ends of the church.  Children will be baptised at both
     ends.                                                                     

 2.  Tuesday at 4PM there will be an ice cream social.  All
     ladies giving milk, come early.                                           

 3.  Wednesday the ladies liturgy society will meet.  Mr.
     Johnson will sing, "Put Me In My Little Bed," accompanied by
     the pastor.                                                               

 4.  Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the little
     mothers club.  All ladies wishing to be little mothers
     please meet with the pastor in his study.                                 

 5.  This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to
     come forward and lay an egg at the alter.                                 

 6.  The service will close with "Little Drops Of Water".
     One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the
     congregation will join in.                                                

 7.  On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray
     the expenses of the new carpet.  All those wishing to do
     something on the new carpet, come forward and get a piece of
     paper.                                                                    

 8.  The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every
     kind and they may be seen in the church basement on Friday
     afternoon.                                                                

 9.  A bean supper will be held on Saturday evening in the
     church basement.  Music will follow.                                      

 10.  The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce
      the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs.
      Julius Belzer.                                                           

 11.  Tonights sermon:  What is hell?  Come early and listen
      to our choir practice.                                                   

 12.  For those of you who have children and don't know it,
      we have a nursery downstairs.                                            

 13.  Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church
      and community.                                                           

 14.  Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.                         

 15.  Don't let worry kill you off -- let the church help.                     

Think I will stick to the Flying Spaghetti Monster though.

Source: http://www.danielsen.com/jokes/ChurchBulletins.txt

KIDS: AND THE ORIGINS OF LOVE                                                  

CONCERNING THE ORIGINS OF LOVE                                                 

"Cupid kissed God and that got the ball rollin'."
                                     Julio, age 9                              

"One of the Greek lady gods got a crush on one of the Greek man gods.
 he tried to hit her with lightning and thunderbolts, but he just
 couldn't get her away from him ...  After a while, they became the
 first married gods.
                                     Robbie, age 8                             

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE                      

"One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has
 freckles too."
                                     Andrew, age 6                             

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do
 with how you smell ...That's why perfume and deodorant are so
 popular.
                                     Mae, age 9                                

"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but
 the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful."
                                     Manuel, age 8                             

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE                                                

"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."
                                     John, age 9                               

"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't
 want to do it.  It takes too long."
                                     Glenn, age 7                              

ON THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AND HANDSOMENESS IN LOVE                                 

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your
 family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful."
                                     Anita C., age 8                           

"It isn't always just how you look.  Look at me.  I'm handsome like
 anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet."
                                     Brian, age 7                              

"Beauty is skin deep.  But how rich you are can last a long time."
                                     Christine, age 9                          

REFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE OF LOVE                                              

"Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is
 pretty good too."
                                     Greg, age 8                               

HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE?                                        

"Mooshy ... like puppy dogs ... except puppy dogs don't wag their
 tails nearly as much."
                                     Arnold, age 10                            

"When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down and
 they don't get up for at least an hour."
                                     Wendy, age 8                              

"All of a sudden, the people get movies fever so they can sit
 together in the dark."
                                     Sherm, age 8                              

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS                                         

"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid
 good money for them."
                                     Gavin, age 8                              

"They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the
 aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing."
                                     John, age 9                               

 CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE                                              

"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Dinosaurs'
 is on television."
                                     Jill, age 6                               

"Love is foolish ... but I still might try it sometime."
                                     Floyd, age 9                              

"Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place ... We were behind a
 tree."
                                     Carey, age 7                              

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it.  I've
 been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep
 finding me."
                                     Dave, age 8                               

"I'm not rushing into being in love.  I'm finding fourth grade hard
 enough."
                                     Regina, age 10                            

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES YOU NEED TO HAVE IN ORDER TO BE A GOOD LOVER            

"Sensitivity don't hurt."
                                     Robbie, age 8                             

"One of you should know how to write a check.  Because, even if you
 have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."
                                     Ava, age 8                                

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU                      

"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores."
                                     Del, age 6                                

"Shake your hips and hope for the best."
                                     Camille, age 9                            

"Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs ... and don't
 worry if their parents are right there."
                                     Manuel, age 8                             

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers.  You might get
 attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love."
                                     Alonzo, age 9                             

"One way is to take the girl out to eat.  Make sure it's something
 she likes to eat.  French fries usually works for me."
                                     Bart, age 9

Source: http://www.danielsen.com/jokes/KidLove.txt

The Matrix in the Matrix

Image source: http://imgur.com/gallery/Kv0yM

Morgan Freeman Chain of Command

Image Source: http://imgur.com/gallery/wJG6J

ISU RESEARCHERS DISCOVER NEW ELEMENT

AMES, IA--The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by
materials researchers at IPRT/ISU. The new element, tentatively named
Administratium, has no protons or electrons, and thus has an atomic weight
of 0. However, it does have one neuron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice
neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of
312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that
involves the continuous exchange of particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is totally inert. However, it can
be detected chemically, since it impedes every reaction it comes into
contact with. According to its discovers, a tiny amount of Administratium
caused on reaction to take over four days to complete; the normal reaction
time is less than one second.

Administratium has a normal half life of approximately three years, at
which time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a
reorganization in which neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice
neutrons exchange places. Studies have shown that the atomic mass usually
increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs
naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points,
such as governmental agencies, large corporations, and universities. It is
always found in the newest, best appointed and best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level
of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it
is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how
Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but
results to date are not promising.

Source: http://www.danielsen.com/jokes/Administratium.txt

Periodic Table of Beer Styles

Image source: http://imgur.com/gallery/dRMby

 SUBJECT: Soap Saga

    Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a
    London hotel's staff and one of its guests.  The London hotel
    involved submitted this to the Sunday Times.  No name was mentioned.

       WHAT TO DO WITH ALL THOSE "FREE" SOAPS WHEN TRAVELLING

    Dear Maid,
    Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my
    bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial.  Please remove
    the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest
    and another three in the shower soap dish.  They are in my way. Thank
    you,
                                             S. Berman

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Dear Room 635,
    I am not your regular maid.  She will be back tomorrow, Thursday,
    from her day off.  I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap
    dish as you requested.  The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your
    way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should
    change your mind.  This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my
    instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily.
    I hope this is satisfactory.
                                             Kathy, Relief Maid

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid.
    Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the
    little bars of soap.  When I got back to my room this evening I found
    you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet.
    I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my
    own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on
    the shelf.  They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc.
    Please remove them.
                                             S. Berman

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Dear Mr. Berman,
    My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which
    we are instructed by the management.  I took the 6 soaps which were
    in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your
    Dial was.  I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your
    convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are
    always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and
    which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday.  Please
    let me know if I can of further assistance.
                                             Your regular maid,
                                             Dotty

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Dear Mr. Berman,
    The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you
    called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid
    service.  I have assigned a new girl to your room.  I hope you will
    accept my apologies for any past inconvenience.  If you have any
    future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal
    attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.  Thank you.
                                             Elaine Carmen
                                             Housekeeper

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Dear Miss Carmen,
    It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for
    business at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM.  That's the
    reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night.  You were already off duty.
    I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little
    bars of soap.  The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a
    new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my
    medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the
    bath-room shelf.  In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little
    bars of soap.  Why are you doing this to me?
                                             S. Berman

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Dear Mr. Berman,
    Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your
    room and remove the extra soaps.  If I can be of further assistance,
    please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.  Thank you,
                                             Elaine Carmen,
                                             Housekeeper

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Dear Mr. Kensedder,
    My bath-size Dial is missing.  Every bar of soap was taken from my
    room including my own bath-size Dial.  I came in late last night and
    had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
                                             S. Berman

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Dear Mr. Berman,
    I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem.
    I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our
    maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a
    room. The situation will be rectified immediately.  Please accept my
    apologies for the inconvenience.
                                     Martin L. Kensedder
                                             Assistant Manager

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Dear Mrs. Carmen,
    Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room?  I came in last
    night and found 54 little bars of soap.  I don't want 54 little bars
    of Camay.  I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial.  Do you realize
    I have 54 bars of soap in here.  All I want is my bath size Dial.
    Please give me back my bath-size Dial.
                                             S. Berman

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Dear Mr. Berman,
    You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed.
    Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing
    so I personally returned them.  The 24 Camays which had been taken
    and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic).  I don't
    know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets.  Obviously your maid,
    Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24
    Camays plus the 3 daily Camays.  I don't know where you got the idea
    this hotel issues bath-size Dial.  I was able to locate some
    bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.
                                             Elaine Carmen
                                             Housekeeper

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Dear Mrs. Carmen,
    Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap
    inventory.

    As of today I possess:

    - On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of
      4 and 1 stack of 2.
    - On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1
      stack of 3.
    - On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1
      stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
    - Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1
      stack of 2.
    - In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
    - On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
    - On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

    Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks
    are neatly piled and dusted.  Also, please advise her that stacks of
    more than 4 have a tendency to tip.  May I suggest that my bedroom
    window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future
    soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of
    bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to
    avoid further misunderstandings.
                                            S. Berman

Source: http://www.danielsen.com/jokes/soap.txt