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Everyone knows the story of “the dog ate my homework!” and as people grow up the excuses keep on coming. At least the following would have brought a smile to the insurance workers who had to deal with the claims.

The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car
drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest
words.  These instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even
incompetent writing may be highly entertaining.

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

I thought my windows was done but I found out it was up when I put my head
through it.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The guy was all over the road.  I had to swerve a number of times before I
hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and
headed over the embankment.

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home.  As I
reached an intersection, a hedge sprange up, obscuring my vision and I did
not see the other car.

I had been driving for 40 years when I feel asleep at the wheel and had an
accident.

I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal
joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place
where no stop sign had ever appeared before.  I was unable to stop in time
to avoid the accident.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

I told the police that I was not injured but on removing my hat, I found
that I had a fractured skull.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the
road when I struck him.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run so I ran over him.

I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentlemen as he bounced off the hood of
my car.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a
big mouth.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road.  I was later found in a
ditch by some stray cows.

The telephone pole was approaching.  I was attempting to swerve out of its
way when it struck my front end.

Source: http://www.danielsen.com/jokes/carinsurance.txt

Lawyers, got to love them! An oldie but a goodie.

Mary Louise Gilman, editor of the National Shorthand Reporter has collected
many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two books - Humor in the
Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court, published a few months ago. From
Mrs. Gilman's two volumes, here are some transquips:

Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first
name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing
to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!
 --------
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.
 --------
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
 --------
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
 --------
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
 --------
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
 --------
Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.
 --------
Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney,
and said he was really good.
 --------
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
 --------
Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you comitted suicide?
A. Four times.
 --------
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
 --------
Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
 --------
Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
 --------
Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.
 --------
Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
 --------
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
information
and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
 --------
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
 --------
Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able,
for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also,
would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
 --------
Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do
you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.
 --------
Q. What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A. She is my daughter.
Q. Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
 --------
Q. Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a
victim?
 --------
Q. ...and what did he do then?
A. He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q. So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
 --------
Q. Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A. He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.
 --------
Q. So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe
with respect to your scalp?
A. I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q. It was covered?
A. Yes, bandaged.
Q. Then, later on.. what did you see?
A. I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top
of my head.
 --------
Q. Could you see him from where you were standing?
A. I could see his head.
Q. And where was his head?
A. Just above his shoulders.
 --------
Q. What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this
defendant?
A. Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch - and
she did!
 --------
Q. Do you drink when you're on duty?
A. I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
 --------
Q. ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial
instead of an attempted murder trial?
A. The victim lived.
 --------
Q. Are you sexually active?
A. No, I just lie there.
 --------
Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A. Yes, I have been since early childhood.
 --------
Q. The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective
witness,
isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?
A. No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
 --------
Q. What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A. It indicates intercourse.
Q. Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.
 --------
Q. (Showing man picture.) That's you?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
 --------
Q. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Source: http://www.danielsen.com/jokes/CourtroomHumor.txt

Every field has its’ own jargon, and its’ own way of glossing over what people really want to say. If you are involved in research, or deal with people who are then the following excerpt proves the above (which means I find it amusing).

        A Guide to Effective Scientific Communication
        =============================================

 Phrase                         Translation
 =================================================================
 It has long been known         I haven't bothered to look up the
                                reference

 It is believed                 I think

 It is generally believed       A couple of other guys think so too

 It is not unreasonable to      If you believe this, you'll believe
 assume                         anything

 Of great theoretical           I find it kind of interesting
 importance

 Of great practical importance  I can get some mileage out of it

 Typical results are shown      The best results are shown

 3 samples were chosen for      The others didn't make sense, so
 further study                  we ignored them

 The 4 hour sample was not      I dropped it on the floor
 studied

 The 4 hour determination may   I dropped it on the floor, but
 not be significant             scooped most of it up

 The significance of these      Look at the pretty artifact
 results is unclear

 It has not been possible to    The experiment was negative, but
 provide definitive answers     at least I can publish the data
                                somewhere

 Correct within an order of     Wrong
 magnitude

 It might be argued that        I have such a good answer for this
                                objection that I shall now raise it

 Much additional work will be   This paper is not very good, but
 required                       neither are all the others in this
                                miserable field

 These investigations proved    My grant is going to be renewed
 highly rewarding

 I thank X for assistance       X did the experiment and Y explained
 with the experiments and       it to me
 Y for useful discussions
 on the interperetation of
 the data

Source: http://www.danielsen.com/jokes/sciencephrases.txt

Quirky, and not an elephant in site!

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.
Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell
the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've
been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible
deaths.So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has
been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her
red-handed.As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell
something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where
this other guy could have been hiding.Finally, I went out to the
balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing,
25 floors above ground!By now I was really mad, so I started beating
on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off.
So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting
hammering on his fingers.Of course, he couldn't stand that for long,
so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the
bushes, stunned but okay.I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into
the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it
landed on him, killing him instantly.But all the stress and anger got
to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man
in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being
full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day.You see, I live on the 26th floor of
my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my
balcony.Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because
I fell over the edge.But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the
balcony on the floor below me.I knew I couldn't hang on for very
long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony.I thought
for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me.I
held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a
hammer and started pounding on my hands.Finally I just let go, but
again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all
right.Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this
refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly,
and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty
horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole
process was repeated.Peter explained that heaven was full and asked
for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a
refrigerator..."

Source: http://www.danielsen.com/jokes/horrible.txt