I like pictures such as the following. Makes one think about the world we live in, and how we should act to make this a better place.
An Environmental Message
Image source: http://imgur.com/gallery/Xuo7S
Archive Page 2
Everyone knows the story of “the dog ate my homework!” and as people grow up the excuses keep on coming. At least the following would have brought a smile to the insurance workers who had to deal with the claims.
The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words. These instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even incompetent writing may be highly entertaining. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions. I thought my windows was done but I found out it was up when I put my head through it. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprange up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car. I had been driving for 40 years when I feel asleep at the wheel and had an accident. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident. As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished. I told the police that I was not injured but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run so I ran over him. I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentlemen as he bounced off the hood of my car. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth. I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows. The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.
Source: http://www.danielsen.com/jokes/carinsurance.txt
Funny to see inanimate objects getting their own back. Guess that punching bag had had enough of being a doormat!
The Punching Bags Revenge
Image source: http://imgur.com/gallery/MLGY9
Lawyers, got to love them! An oldie but a goodie.
Mary Louise Gilman, editor of the National Shorthand Reporter has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two books - Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court, published a few months ago. From Mrs. Gilman's two volumes, here are some transquips: Q. What is your brother-in-law's name? A. Borofkin. Q. What's his first name? A. I can't remember. Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name? A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name! -------- Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York? A. I refuse to answer that question. Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago? A. I refuse to answer that question. Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami? A. No. -------- Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? A. By death. Q. And by whose death was it terminated? -------- Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods? A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region. -------- Q. What is your name? A. Ernestine McDowell. Q. And what is your marital status? A. Fair. -------- Q. Are you married? A. No, I'm divorced. Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him? A. A lot of things I didn't know about. -------- Q. And who is this person you are speaking of? A. My ex-widow said it. -------- Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney? A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good. -------- Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now? A. I will be three months November 8th. Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th? A. Yes. Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time? -------- Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable? A. I should be. Q. How many times have you comitted suicide? A. Four times. -------- Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people? A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people. -------- Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased? A. Yes, sir. Q. Before or after he died? -------- Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence? A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words. -------- Q. What happened then? A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me." Q. Did he kill you? A. No. -------- Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work. -------- THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any. -------- Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears? A. No. Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears? A. Picking them up in the air. Q. Where was the dog at this time? A. Attached to the ears. -------- Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station? MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot. -------- Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to? A. Oral. Q. How old are you? A. Oral. -------- Q. What is your relationship with the plaintiff? A. She is my daughter. Q. Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979? -------- Q. Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim? -------- Q. ...and what did he do then? A. He came home, and next morning he was dead. Q. So when he woke up the next morning he was dead? -------- Q. Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities? A. He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture. -------- Q. So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp? A. I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital. Q. It was covered? A. Yes, bandaged. Q. Then, later on.. what did you see? A. I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head. -------- Q. Could you see him from where you were standing? A. I could see his head. Q. And where was his head? A. Just above his shoulders. -------- Q. What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this defendant? A. Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch - and she did! -------- Q. Do you drink when you're on duty? A. I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk. -------- Q. ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial? A. The victim lived. -------- Q. Are you sexually active? A. No, I just lie there. -------- Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample? A. Yes, I have been since early childhood. -------- Q. The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas? A. No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval. -------- Q. What is the meaning of sperm being present? A. It indicates intercourse. Q. Male sperm? A. That is the only kind I know. -------- Q. (Showing man picture.) That's you? A. Yes, sir. Q. And you were present when the picture was taken, right? -------- Q. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
Source: http://www.danielsen.com/jokes/CourtroomHumor.txt
Here is a neat little comic about “how business works.” Amusing, but not entirely true in my experience.
How Business Works
Image source: http://imgur.com/gallery/3oLHi
Every field has its’ own jargon, and its’ own way of glossing over what people really want to say. If you are involved in research, or deal with people who are then the following excerpt proves the above (which means I find it amusing).
A Guide to Effective Scientific Communication
=============================================
Phrase Translation
=================================================================
It has long been known I haven't bothered to look up the
reference
It is believed I think
It is generally believed A couple of other guys think so too
It is not unreasonable to If you believe this, you'll believe
assume anything
Of great theoretical I find it kind of interesting
importance
Of great practical importance I can get some mileage out of it
Typical results are shown The best results are shown
3 samples were chosen for The others didn't make sense, so
further study we ignored them
The 4 hour sample was not I dropped it on the floor
studied
The 4 hour determination may I dropped it on the floor, but
not be significant scooped most of it up
The significance of these Look at the pretty artifact
results is unclear
It has not been possible to The experiment was negative, but
provide definitive answers at least I can publish the data
somewhere
Correct within an order of Wrong
magnitude
It might be argued that I have such a good answer for this
objection that I shall now raise it
Much additional work will be This paper is not very good, but
required neither are all the others in this
miserable field
These investigations proved My grant is going to be renewed
highly rewarding
I thank X for assistance X did the experiment and Y explained
with the experiments and it to me
Y for useful discussions
on the interperetation of
the data
Source: http://www.danielsen.com/jokes/sciencephrases.txt
The Difference Between Windows, Apple and Linux aptly illustrated!
The Difference Between Mac Linux and Windows
Personally I use linux. But quite happy fixing the other two computer systems.
Image source: http://imgur.com/gallery/YRoqC
Quirky, and not an elephant in site!
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths.So what's your story?" So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed.As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding.Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground!By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers.Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay.I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly.But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony." "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day.You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony.Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge.But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me.I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony.I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me.I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands.Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right.Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here." Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated.Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. "Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
Source: http://www.danielsen.com/jokes/horrible.txt
04
Jan
What a sandcastle!
I remember making sandcastles as a kid, but never anything as amazing as this one!
What a Sandcastle!
Image source: http://imgur.com/gallery/XLhLQ
03
Jan
It ain’t my English
Having traveled to a great many countries around the world, the following brings back some wonderful memories of various hotels, restaurants, trains and buses.
One has to smile – and to remember that these people are doing their best!
FUNNY ENGLISH NOTICES AROUND THE WORLD!
---------------------------------------
Here are some signs and notices written in English that were
discovered throughout the world. You have to give the writers an
'E' for Effort. We hope you enjoy them.
In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a
person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we
regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin
should enter more persons, each one should press a number of
wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by
national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the
hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the
chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and
Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except
Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the
boots of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy
dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose;
beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
Drop your trousers here for best results.
Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.
In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute
customers in strict rotation.
A sign posted in Germany's Black forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that
people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live
together in one tent unless they are married with each other
for that purpose.
In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the
opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby
be used for this purpose.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon
having a good time.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no
miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?
In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today -- no ice cream.
In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed
as a man.
In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to
it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable
food, give it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.
In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are
best in the long run.
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air
conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your
room, please control yourself.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn.
Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles
your passage then tootle him with vigor.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
- English well talking.
- Here speeching American.
From: http://www.danielsen.com/jokes/signs.txt.
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