Tag Archive for 'science'

24
Jan

Ah the morons

By Simon 0 Comments
Categories: Internet and funny

Some would say that living in Asia means dealing with endless red tape and I would have to agree. Luckily scientists have discovered the root cause – the new element Administratium.

ISU RESEARCHERS DISCOVER NEW ELEMENT

AMES, IA--The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by
materials researchers at IPRT/ISU. The new element, tentatively named
Administratium, has no protons or electrons, and thus has an atomic weight
of 0. However, it does have one neuron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice
neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of
312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that
involves the continuous exchange of particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is totally inert. However, it can
be detected chemically, since it impedes every reaction it comes into
contact with. According to its discovers, a tiny amount of Administratium
caused on reaction to take over four days to complete; the normal reaction
time is less than one second.

Administratium has a normal half life of approximately three years, at
which time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a
reorganization in which neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice
neutrons exchange places. Studies have shown that the atomic mass usually
increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs
naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points,
such as governmental agencies, large corporations, and universities. It is
always found in the newest, best appointed and best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level
of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it
is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how
Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but
results to date are not promising.

Source: http://www.danielsen.com/jokes/Administratium.txt

10
Jan

What the Scientists really mean

By Simon 0 Comments
Categories: Internet and funny

Every field has its’ own jargon, and its’ own way of glossing over what people really want to say. If you are involved in research, or deal with people who are then the following excerpt proves the above (which means I find it amusing).

        A Guide to Effective Scientific Communication
        =============================================

 Phrase                         Translation
 =================================================================
 It has long been known         I haven't bothered to look up the
                                reference

 It is believed                 I think

 It is generally believed       A couple of other guys think so too

 It is not unreasonable to      If you believe this, you'll believe
 assume                         anything

 Of great theoretical           I find it kind of interesting
 importance

 Of great practical importance  I can get some mileage out of it

 Typical results are shown      The best results are shown

 3 samples were chosen for      The others didn't make sense, so
 further study                  we ignored them

 The 4 hour sample was not      I dropped it on the floor
 studied

 The 4 hour determination may   I dropped it on the floor, but
 not be significant             scooped most of it up

 The significance of these      Look at the pretty artifact
 results is unclear

 It has not been possible to    The experiment was negative, but
 provide definitive answers     at least I can publish the data
                                somewhere

 Correct within an order of     Wrong
 magnitude

 It might be argued that        I have such a good answer for this
                                objection that I shall now raise it

 Much additional work will be   This paper is not very good, but
 required                       neither are all the others in this
                                miserable field

 These investigations proved    My grant is going to be renewed
 highly rewarding

 I thank X for assistance       X did the experiment and Y explained
 with the experiments and       it to me
 Y for useful discussions
 on the interperetation of
 the data

Source: http://www.danielsen.com/jokes/sciencephrases.txt